You know how sometimes TV Guide will put out a week’s issue with a series of 4 different covers with different cast-mates of [Current T.V. show]. On the inside – it’s the same T.V. Guide. Same times. Same shows. It’s just the cover that’s different. With a comic book variant – there will be something sparkly and super duper special about a cover that is different from the one that’s in mass production. So say – out of 10 issues of T.V. Guide – 9 of them have Hurley on them, and only one has Sawyer. Sawyer is the variant. Got it? Easy peasy. Comic book with an insert about Spiderman saving Obama at the inauguration. Easy. Right?

Wrong. SO wrong. Because the one variant is invariably worth more than the regular issues.

But the thing about this variant: it was an [Edit: Super special screwy] incentive plan for Marvel. Marvel tells the comic book shop, “Say you ordered x-number of Spiderman issues last time. For every, say, 20 extra issues you order, we’ll give you a variant.” Not a big deal for your gigantic comic book stores, they can easily order more, somewhat difficult for your lower sized chains. There’s the first print ultra-limited edition with a blue background, that’s the one that came out today. So folks were lining up all over the place today to get their hands on the Obama variant of Spiderman.  Here’s how I spent the most terrifying morning of 2009.

So – my resident comic book geek hubs – has been feverishly asking me to go pick up a copy of the variant for like, the past week. There’s only one comic book store in town and it opens at 10 a.m.

Hubs: “You have to get there early. Get there before 10.”

Moi: “Yeahyeahyeahwhatever.”

Hubs: “No. I’m being serious. You really need to get there early.”

Moi: “Mmmkay.”

So I get there at 9:55 and there are three middle aged men, god bless ‘em, standing in line outside the door. Part of me wanted to say, “If there are only three of you – you probably don’t need to be in a line.” But this was the Whopper Virgin in me coming out because, as I learned, fewer people does not mean less insanity.

Strolling like rockstars clad in olive colored trenchcoats and weathered Magic the Gathering tournament t-shirts, the comic book store employees unlock the store. I follow behind the three line guys who obviously were in the know because why else would grown men be lined up outside the comic book store at 10 in the morning. We pass by the back wall with all of the new issues out there. No Obama variant.

Employee 1: We have the Obama variants up here behind the counter. One per customer.

We get up there. There are only five copies. I’m number four in line.

So as I stand in line, a couple comes in asking where the Spiderman Obama comics are located. Employee 1 tells them they’re in the back. They look, and its the regular Spiderman issue. The Hurley, if you will. They return to the front saying that they were there yesterday and reserved a copy.

Now – with these variants, the store doesn’t reserve copies. It’s a first come – first serve basis. And with lil ole me standing number four in line, there was only one left. I think they were saving the last copy to put on display or mark-up for later. But as the couple proceeds to grow increasingly angry – the manager tells them,

Manager: The distributors only gave us five. This is the last one we have – but it’s yours.

Now – another customer comes in saying that they called to reserve the special Obama cover. Same story – you can’t reserve the variant, it’s a first come first serve basis. Only this time – all the issues are sold out. And it’s like, 10:05 a.m. So – say you set your clocks 5 or 10 minutes slow…you just screwed out of your book. Now – I can understand a lot of people’s frustrations. If you didn’t know how limited they were – you would think it would be like getting jeans at the Gap or asking Barnes and Noble to set aside a book for you, wouldn’t there be more in the back?

Angry customer:”What do you mean you only had five? I called and asked to have some reserved yesterday!”

At this point it seems as though some hapless employee was answering the phone all day yesterday and telling folks, “Yeah, we have the Spiderman/Obama book in stock” when what folks were asking for was the variant cover that’s been all over the news. Now – you just opened your store and will be spending the entire day dealing with pissed off people who got there at 10:07 a.m. only to have it sold out. Well – at least you weren’t in NYC or another major metropolitan area…where folks lined up outside for hours.

As I left, I told them, “Hope your day gets better.”

Later – the hubs and I did a good deed and bought a small Spiderman cake to take to the comic book store folks. He’s been a regular customer for years and wanted to be nice. He went inside and told them that I was the one in the pink hoodie that was there earlier to get the variant. They were pretty excited about getting the cake.

So – they got their cake. Hubs got his comic book. Everyone was happy.

Enter What Should I Read Next, a charming little site that takes the title/author of your favorite book and creates a suggested reading list based off other users with similar tastes. Go ahead and register your list of recommended reading material. Especially poets.