Right now, I’m exhausted. I’ve been watching the Halloween episodes of our favorite shows. (Community was brilliant.) Grey’s Anatomy is on in the background. (Always a tear-jerker) Elliott is sleeping in his Moses basket on the ottoman.
Today marked the beginning of the end. I went to Jones Jaggers to officially register Elliott for full-time day care starting Monday. The paperwork has been filled out and the first week has been paid for. For the past (nearly) three months, every waking moment of my days and nights have revolved around this little guy. I have scrambled to take a five minute shower while he screamed. I washed and made formula during naps. I fell behind on emails because he never napped when I needed him to. I crammed granola bars in my mouth when there wasn’t time to eat. I went to bed not being able to remember the last time I went to the bathroom. If I wasn’t the one feeding or changing him – I was in the next room. have been latched to him almost non-stop. It is all about to end. I will talk to adults face to face. I will get work done. I will leisurely use the bathroom and eat a hot lunch.
And yet the bitter overwhelms the sweet.
Everyone tells me that it is harder on the parents. Scratch that. It is harder on the moms. “Moms” being the ones who often stay home on maternity leave. Men can be “moms.” Moms know their babies’ rhythms and needs. I know when his diaper is wet without checking it. I know how to swaddle, hold and rock him. I know how to force him to sleep when he is too tired to know better. I know the games and conversations he loves to have. I know my baby better than anyone else in the world. Period.
Now, I have to put him in the care of people who have just met him. All I can picture are doomsday scenarios: him wailing – the workers annoyed. Nothing turns my stomach more. People who don’t know how to care for Elliott dreading the sight of him. Elliott receiving a little less love and care, fewer cuddles and more stress.
This probably isn’t the case. I will drop him off and he will meet new people. He will meet other babies and be challenged to grow and develop. He will play, eat, nap – and yes, fuss. I will pick him up after work and he will still be tickled. We will talk about the parts of our face, play big and little, read baby haiku/what’s wrong pookie, exercise on the baby gym and giggle back and forth.
This will make his life easier when he goes to day care in the future.
So why is it making me feel miserable right now?
This is the end of an era. My leave is coming to an end. I’m going to miss my time with Elliott. Sure, I could wean myself by dropping him off with the sitters at the gym.
But I don’t want to.
I want to cuddle with my baby for what little time I have left.
Before I go back to work and get some freedom again.
